People’s Choice

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Tom Walsh speaks with publicly acclaimed sportsman Hugh Whelan, after the acknowledgement of his contribution to Ormond’s sporting life in the inaugural OCSC People’s Choice Sports Person of the Year award – ‘The Hugh Whelan Trophy.’

Tom: Hugh, congratulations on your success at the Sports Ball.

Hugh: Thanks Tom, but I really want to say right off the bat, that this isn’t my award to claim, I would be pretty beat without my support team of financial whizzes, political advisors and underage stylists, so big shouts out to them – you know who you are.

Tom: Bro, what does it mean to have an award named after you?

Hugh: Tonnes.

Tom: Cool. Care to elaborate?

Hugh: Sure thing T-Bow. Not to toot my own horn too much, but I do believe that my award has really catalysed a palpable change in the patriarchal Ormond sporting culture of yesteryear. Gone are the days when only the muscliest, scariest, liftiest bros dominated the sporting limelight, gone are the days when the quieter folk were swept under the fanfare of their Alpha bros, GONE ARE THE DAYS when you needed to play sport to win a sports award. And Tom, I’ll give it to you straight, I’m excited.

Tom: Yes Hugh, I was hoping to bring that up with you. Talk me through your season. How was your form going into Sunday night?

Hugh: Well Tom, as I’m sure you’d know, there was a lot of talk about my impressive year. After playing one half during mixed netball, my purchase of two sausages at the footy Grand Final and my vehement support of American John’s plight to have Sports Coaching recognised as a legitimate subject (decision pending), my fairly serious consideration of playing Magoos at least a couple of times, you could say, there was a storm brewing – and the storm was called the “Hugh Whelan Award of 2013.” The people have spoken.

Tom: Thanks a lot for taking the time to speak, Hugh.

Hugh: No worries bro, you want another line?



How to Waste Time

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Sometimes I infuriate myself. I’ve got an hour between classes, and about 27 things I could do during that time: finish my economics blue sheet (provided the algebra isn’t too hideous), reply to a couple of emails, fill out a reimbursement form, vacuum my room, start referencing an essay due tomorrow … the options are plentiful. What do I do? Read an article on Huffpost about how to make really flavoursome guacamole. And then scroll down further, mentally taking sides in the epic comment battle between smooth and chunky dip-lovers. Meanwhile, the inflation-adjusted price of avocados remains uncalculated on my tutorial worksheet. Read More


The Benefits of Dancing

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There are many benefits to dancing, a few of which I hope to unveil in this article and validate with empirical, meticulously investigated evidence – as well as personal experience.

Dancing may be defined as rhythmic bodily movement to a beat, ambience, or drug induced euphoria. While it is a common practice among many age, socio-economic, and political groups, it is not often that one sits down with an Irish coffee and a gluten free cookie to think long and hard on the benefits that dancing offers. Read More


Master of the Gong

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I do not write to you today to merely apply for the position of ‘Master of the Gong’. I will not even indulge in such nonsense. I am writing to you today to sell you a dream.

I must admit to you today, my dear GC, I have been living a lie. You have come to know me as Joel Paterson. But this has been a façade to cover my true intentions in coming to Ormond College. Read More

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Royal Baby Fails Admission to Ormond

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The already damp birth of Prince George Alexander Louis was further dampened by the news that he would not be gaining admission to Ormond College in 2031.

Master of Ormond College, Rufus Black, was notified immediately following conception. In utero, the Royal Baby underwent a rigorous interview process, conducted via ultrasound, consisting of a personality test, resume assessment, and rowing ergo. Read More


Stop The Boats

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In a controversial statement, Chair of the Ormond College Students’ Club (OCSC), Jesse Poulton, has ordered that Ormond “Stop the Boats”. In keeping with common political rhetoric, Mr Poulton has veered to the centre in an attempt to shore up his seat in the 2014 election campaign. His unusual aspiration to be Chair for two terms left many guessing, as he declared his entry into the 2014 race. Read More


The Ormond Machine

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As the day of my induction into adulthood rushes towards me, I can’t help but wonder on how I ended up in a place like this. A castle.

As a kid, I guess everyone (no matter how vehemently they deny it today) waited for their Hogwarts letter, wishing that a gargantuan, umbrella-toting bikie would break down the door of their rented lighthouse, punish an abusive sibling with hoggish anatomical attributes, and invite them to live in a magic castle. Read More