The already damp birth of Prince George Alexander Louis was further dampened by the news that he would not be gaining admission to Ormond College in 2031.
Master of Ormond College, Rufus Black, was notified immediately following conception. In utero, the Royal Baby underwent a rigorous interview process, conducted via ultrasound, consisting of a personality test, resume assessment, and rowing ergo.
The Ormondian has gained exclusive access to the confidential records of the admissions test. The records show that the baby was rejected on moral, intellectual and genetic grounds. It was also concluded that the baby was predisposed to such health defects as haemophilia (a consequence of historic inbreeding) and priggishness. He also displayed his uncle’s propensity to dress in Nazi costume, conflicting with the Ormond values of ‘community’ and ‘diversity’.
“We are very disappointed with this outcome,” said former head of Australians for Constitutional Monarchy, Tony Abbott. “With the amount we intend to bequest to his college of residence, his rejection would not have occurred had he applied to St. Johns.”
When asked to comment, the Duke of Edinburgh stated “Ormond has too many ethnics [sic] anyway.”