Stop The Boats

Posted by | August 05, 2013 | Lighthearted, Ormondian | No Comments
JesseNew

In a controversial statement, Chair of the Ormond College Students’ Club (OCSC), Jesse Poulton, has ordered that Ormond “Stop the Boats”. In keeping with common political rhetoric, Mr Poulton has veered to the centre in an attempt to shore up his seat in the 2014 election campaign. His unusual aspiration to be Chair for two terms left many guessing, as he declared his entry into the 2014 race. Several favourites for General Committee (GC) positions expressed their disapproval. One potential Chair candidate remarked: “He’s locked up the third year vote; this race will be won by the O-Week leader who most freshers thought was cute. I’m done.”

The Stop The Boats policy is aimed at reducing OCSC expenditure, part of Alex Cameron’s “make back the deficit” campaign for the 2013 Katie Lush Award. Currently, the Students’ Club pays $3000 for its rowing boats every year, and with eight victories in the last three years, the GC calculated that $375 per sporting victory was “too damn high!” as per an anonymous source. Defunding the rowing program is crucial to the planned Poulton-Bennett Aquatic Centre, the final realisation of the ever-dreamed of McCaughey swimming pool and abseiling boutique.

Russell George, former Captain of Boats, has stated “this is the biggest outrage since Jesse tried to tear up our NBN!” George was referencing Chair Poulton’s 2012 campaign platform to ban Ethernet cables. Gavrilo Grabovac and the Darts Subcommittee staged a hunger strike in response. He was making a point that no-one really understood.

All this amid rumours that Isobel Dagg, Vice Chair, is plotting a hostile takeover of the GC with co-conspirator Ellie Ryan (member of the Girl Power Party) and pollster Charles Shenton. This has made for a turbulent semester for Mr. Poulton, and has dwarfed his successes as leader: strengthening ties with Choina, as well as introducing Ormond’s Emissions Trading Scheme, whereby students offset the costs of their own utilities.

The Ormondian tried to find Dr. Rufus Black, Master of the college, for comment. He couldn’t be located.

This hard-hitting journalism was brought to you by The Ormondian’s favourite ex-Editor, Amani Green, who, since his editorship, has spent much of his time loitering around Tutti Frozen Yogurt, awaiting an opportunity to get the scoop.